A BIG FAT NO

Ok, so I broke and tested last night even though I knew in my heart once again it would be for nothing. Of course it was. The pain that I feel every time I do one of those at home test. WHY, must I keep doing this to myself? Why, indeed because there is only one reason. I want to be a mom. Not just a step mom. I want to have my own. I get so tired of hearing my husbands ex wife say this is why she had the boys so that I could be a mom too. That was gods plan. Honestly, I don't like that plan. Fred still hasn't shown his ugly face. Wonder where hes hiding. No sign of him in sight either. No bloating, no cramps, no chocolate cravings.... I'm 37 for gods sake, how much longer can I wait...

The Waiting Game

Well, once again its the waiting game. Fred had come and gone and here I am waiting again. Will Fred come? Lets hope not!!!! I hate to get hopeful but its hard not too, when its something I want so much. Anyway, I only really have two good signs, but that sign could also mean Fred. My beast or tender and Fred is just a little late showing up. Yep, that's it the only signs I have. So are they good signs. Fred is never really late I work like clock work... Tender breast yes I get that every once and awhile its just never lasted this long. Or maybe I have and I am just really grasping...

Confused

OK, so now I am officially confused. Fred was here Jan. 3rd and yet I wake up this morning and what to my surprise do I find. FRED? It hasn't been long enough for him to be here. Whats up with that? So first I have trouble conceiving and ask my self why do I even have Fred it I can't conceive and now I get it twice in one month... I would really like to know what the problem is.
Really...

Random Thought

Ok I was just using the restroom and a thought came to me. You know how they have those little blue things you put in the back of the toilet that makes the water change turn blue. Well, why not make life for a woman who is trying to conceive a little easier, someone should invent one you put in the back of you toilet that only changes if you are pregnant. This solve the peeing on a stick crap. You wouldn't have to worry about going out to buy those little kits or remembering to pee on a stick, you just pee and if the answer is yes it turns a color who cares what color just any color.. As as matter of fact we ought to have one for ovulation. If your ovulating it turns a different color. Hell, why not if they can come up with those sticks you pee on why not?

Still Bitching

There's just nothing else that you can all it. Fred is here once again, and it sucks.
Why, I asked was I so blessed to even get Fred - ever, if I can't reproduce? Whats the
point? Just to have 1 bad week a month out of my life. Hell, I can have that without
Fred's help. (I do have a husband) Anyway reading some of these blog helps,
I know I'm not alone. So here I go again another month of waiting for that time hoping
my husband will be in town at just the right time. Whatever time that may be, cause I am
beginning to wonder if I ever ovulate.
All these test kits, strips, etc. I have no interest in doing. I'm just not a morning person
and the last thing on my mind when I jump out of be and peeing on something. At first when
it seemed I would never get pregnant. I did follow my doctors instruction and take my temp.
every morning. That too I would not look forward to doing. So, I have to leave it in fates hands
every month. I appear to be getting tired of fate. I want more than its giving me, which is a
BIG NOTHING!!! So now, I wonder where do I go from here. I have been through every test
you can imagine and nothing was found other than my cervix was narrow. My doctor proceeded
to fix that right there while I was on the table (wow, what pain). So, I ask anyone, any ideas??